“I’m having a hard time detecting the baby’s heartbeat. It’s not time to worry yet” my doctor said as tunnel vision started taking over all my other five senses.
I left the ultrasound room to make an appointment for 2 days forward to see if we could find my baby’s heartbeat then. After all, it was early in my pregnancy, and these things can happen! My friend Kaitlyn happened to be working the front desk that day, and she could tell just by my face that I wasn’t ok. I made the appointment, Kaitlyn knew what it could possibly mean and gave me a sweet hug, and then I was on my way. I got to go home to two days of waiting and praying, pleading with God that my baby would be ok.
When I went back two days later, I was believing for my miracle. I just felt in my heart that we were going to find my baby’s heartbeat right away and I could put these tortuous two days behind me. It was not to be. My baby had passed away in my womb. I took the news as best as I could in the office, but once I got home, I fell apart. So many confusing emotions took hold of me. Grief, obviously. Guilt. Had I caused my baby to die? Anger. Why did God give me the joy of pregnancy, only to take my baby to heaven so early? I was truly inconsolable at first.
A few days later, I miscarried my little one on October 5. What you don’t hear a lot of women discuss concerning miscarriage is how painful it can be. So on top of my emotional pain, here I was feeling physical pain, pretty close to labor, to dispel my baby from my womb. I was still secretly holding on to the hope that the doctor was wrong, and that my baby was going to be ok. When the contractions came on, all that hope was dashed. I was heartbroken. I wanted my baby! I wasn’t ready to let go of him or her. I wanted Adam to have a little brother or sister! Why God! Why! I don’t understand this. I cried and cried. The next day was our wedding anniversary, October 6. Even on my special date that evening with my husband, I had tears streaming down my face throughout. Those were truly some of the worst days of my life.
But God. I may have questioned God “why,” but I also knew in my heart that I needed to lean on Him now more than ever if I was going to get through this. My sweet Mom had come down to watch my son for me, and we prayed together, we cried, and we handed our grief to the one who bore all sorrow on the cross. God reminded me that He too had lost His son, and all too well understood the pain that comes with it. This is a fallen world, and He didn’t cause my baby to die. Death sadly is just a part of this cursed world. He took him to heaven!
A book called “Heaven is for Real” had recently come out, and it played a huge part in my healing. The title grabbed me in the bookstore, honestly, because my baby was up there with Jesus, and I wanted to hear about where they were. If you’re not familiar with the book (or now movie) “Heaven is For Real,” it’s a true story of a little boy, Colton Burpo, who dies and goes to Heaven and meets Jesus and sees first hand how beautiful Heaven is. Oh how healing is the love of God. Specifically in that book, Colton sees his own little sister who had been miscarried in her mother’s womb. She was with JESUS. The relief I felt when reading that was immense. I knew it in my heart, but to hear a firsthand account of a miscarried baby being happy, whole, and in heaven thriving healed this broken mama’s heart. I AM going to see my baby again someday. I cannot wait to see if they have my curly hair, or Jesse’s adorable smirk. Are they blonde like their brother and sisters? What a sweet sweet moment that will be when I see Jesus’s face, that He will also present my child to me. Here we go again. The tears are back, but I can truly say they are happy ones now, filled with hope and thankfulness to Jesus for holding my little one for me until I can.
October 15 is the national day of recognition for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. When I realized that and the anniversary of the day I lost my baby was upon me again here in October, I decided it was time to share. What I have learned is that so many women have experienced this pain with me. We are the mama warriors that often silently carry their grief. Mama, I see you. Your pain and your loss is real. This culture will tell you that your baby was just a sack of cells, but we know that is a lie. God loved and planned your sweet little one the moment they were conceived. Their life mattered and they are with Jesus. The pain was real, yes, but the joy of reunion in heaven is real too. Thank be to God for His son who paves the way for us all to be together again FOREVER!
Love to you all,
Meg
