Redemption, Faithfulness, Wandering, and Peace: My Testimony

I stand in awe of the Lord! I’ll say it again…I stand in awe of the Lord! He is faithful, just, merciful, and gracious. He is perfect and beautiful and His ways are ALWAYS right. Let your praises ring out from your heart to Him…however that looks. Maybe it’s singing, maybe it’s being still before Him, maybe it’s dancing, maybe it’s reading His Word. In all, we do let us worship Him with our LIFE. This is probably the biggest lesson I am learning from the Lord. I would like to share my testimony with you today. Our testimony is ever-growing, never stopping, and always changing, so long as we are followers of Christ, He is always refining us. And I give God all the glory and honor and recognition for my redeemed life and heart of flesh. Isn’t it awesome when you can stand back, reflect, and see how God’s hand is in, and has been in, every part of your life?

In an effort to keep this direct and to the point, not only for you, but for myself as well, I will not go into great detail, but rather make my points and move on. This is my testimony of redemption, God’s faithfulness, wandering in the wilderness, and His perfect peace.

Where shall I start? Let’s start in the middle…when I decided to give my life to the Lord…again. 

It was 2012 and I found a church I had been praying for…I knew that I needed to be in fellowship with other believers and that I wanted to raise my family in a church just like I had growing up. I prayed, “Lord, lead me to the right church, In Jesus’ name, Amen.” It was that simple. He put one church in my mind and upon visiting and hearing the pastor there, it was an emphatic “YES” from the Holy Spirit. I knew right away this was the right place to be. There is a true satisfaction when you get such a definite “yes” from the Lord, isn’t it? Such peace. I’d like to rewind a bit to just before finding this church to what truly led me to knowing that I had to get my feet firmly planted in a body of believers. 

I was on my way home from spending time with my sister one winter weekend in early 2012…

We often got together so our babies, the cousins, could spend time together and we loved watching them grow together. We always went to church together when I came to visit because Megan was a member of the worship team there and I loved going to their church with them. At that time in my life, I knew the Lord, but I doubted whether He really wanted anything to do with me. I grew up in a church-going family and I gave my life to Christ when I was about 6 years old, baptized at 10 give or take a year. I believe I always loved the Lord and I definitely loved going to church. I learned a lot about the bible, believing it as the infallible Word of God, the guide for right-living, and I absolutely always believed Jesus as the savior of the world. I was raised with a firm foundation in my childhood by God’s grace and loving, wise parents. However, in my young adult years, I struggled internally with the world view of “what you believe and do is just fine. It’s not hurting anyone else so what’s it to me what you choose to do with your life?” It wasn’t until I became a mother that I truly understood why this statement simply cannot be true. Let me explain…when I was about 8 years old I was molested by a childhood friend that went on for about 3 years. I didn’t know it was molestation until I got older, but looking back, that’s clearly what it was. It messed my head and my heart up. That is the enemy’s plan though, isn’t it? In John 10:10 Jesus says…“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” The thief stole, killed, and destroyed my innocence. I share this with you not looking for pity, I have cried many tears over this, but I realize that God allowed this to happen to me so that I could grow in genuine love and gratitude and have an authentic walk of Faith in Him. My parents never knew about this growing up, it was a secret that I fiercely hid. I was ashamed of the feelings it stirred up in me, and I didn’t want anyone to know about it. In my childlike faith and simple knowledge of the Word,  I knew it was wrong and yet, I didn’t know what to do about it. Satan wanted me to believe that this was a shameful secret that I needed to keep and I was convinced in my teen years and young adult life that I would NEVER speak of it to anyone. I had my mind made up that this was a secret I would take to my grave. I stuffed it down and lived in agony in that bondage. Fast forward to the car-ride home I mentioned earlier…there I was, on that fateful day driving home that the Lord met me on the road in such a powerful way. As I was driving home I was thinking about the church service, I couldn’t tell you what it was about…I remember feeling and thinking about the people at the church, seeing such love and devotion for the Lord, wondering why I didn’t feel that. “Oh, yeah, they aren’t as bad as me. God loves me, but He doesn’t really want me. I’m not as good as them…” I hear my daughter babbling in the back, my mind thinks of the abuse and fear grips my heart….what if something like that happens to her too? Oh no, not my beautiful baby, so innocent and pure, I would do anything, ANYTHING, to guarantee that I could protect her from such a thing happening to her. Then all of a sudden, BOOM! CLICK! DING! LIGHTBULB! ENTER THE LORD’S VOICE: “You alone cannot protect her, only I can! I can and WILL protect her and you too! I gave my Son so that you can have the freedom and you CANNOT keep this secret any longer. You must shed MY light on this! SPEAK IT OUT. It’s time.” And with that I reluctantly, but obediently, decided to call my sister and confess my secret. It was a powerful moment and a strong compelling from the Holy Spirit that it was finally time to face my deep dark secret and my fear of sharing it. Would I be rejected by my own family? Would she be disgusted with me? The phone rang and when she answered I couldn’t stop my words from coming out of my mouth. I remember feeling instantly freed when I told her about it. She couldn’t believe it and we were both crying as I spoke about it and admitted to her I didn’t really believe that God loved me. The Lord spoke to me through her and assured me that there was NOTHING that could keep me from His Love. The bondage of the secret and believing I wasn’t good enough is what was keeping me from experiencing true freedom in Christ. I instantly felt a weight lifted from my shoulders and God’s love invaded my heart. It was finally out now and there was no rejection from my sister, and definitely no rejection from the Lord either. It was the opposite….the enemy wants us to believe that we are rejected and unworthy…but Jesus says that we are worthy…we just have to believe it and accept it. He died a horrible death to take away our sins…He rose victoriously, vanquishing the power of death and sin. Because Christ did not deserve to die, being without sin, but He willingly did, the curse of death (which we are all under!) could not hold Him! (Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death” please read this chapter to better understand how Christ frees us from the power of sin!) My heart finally felt free and, although I never rejected my Christian walk or upbringing, I knew now that without a shadow of a doubt the Christian life is worth living and I had to start living my life for Christ for me and my little family. I knew I needed to find a church and body of believers to help me in my renewed faith. 

Let’s jump forward to when the Lord led me to the church I mentioned earlier…

The church I found was Spirit-led and Spirit-filled. It was just what I needed as a wayward Christian back on track and finding the Lord. God led me there and helped me grow and mature in my Faith. The pastor there was speaking things that really lined up with the bible and how church is supposed to be. Everyone using their God-given talents and gifts that is unique to each person to fellowship and spur one another on. Church is not a building, it is the people and our Faith in Christ and the Holy Spirit leading us is what connects us. It was so encouraging and refreshing to hear what the Spirit was speaking in my life coming out of the heart of the pastor there and the friends I was making there. I wanted to be baptized in my renewed faith and love for Christ. I finally knew and understood the sacrifice and God’s great love for me and I wanted to show my love for Him in my church family. With child-like faith I rededicated my life to the Lord and was baptized in 2014. I’ll say it again, the Christian journey is worth-living, full of joy and peace. Rejoicing always that we are saved by grace and God’s great mercy on us all. God’s gift of salvation is free to anyone that will open their heart to Him. While the journey is joyful and worth it, Jesus also says that it isn’t easy. In fact, we are told by Christ that we must take up our cross and follow him. It’s a walk that requires us to die to ourselves daily and to meet trials and persecution with joy as we know that it is the Lord growing us. As mother’s and father’s discipline their children, so our Heavenly Father disciplines us. He teaches us through the Holy Spirit indwelt in us and through His word! How amazing and wonderful! This is how we know we are never alone! 

In the short amount of time that I grew in my faith, things seemed to have changed just as quickly. The church went through some abrupt pastoral changes in 2014. We started out staying, but our family moved and we decided to stop attending due to the leadership change and our location. This brings me to the next part of my testimony journey: Wandering in the wilderness and God’s faithfulness.

The changes at our church were particularly heartbreaking for me because of the intense healing that occurred in my heart and the amount of wisdom and growth I experienced while there. Deciding to leave wasn’t really the hard part, due to the leadership change and the fact that our family relocated. The hard part was trying to find a church where God was calling me to. I have visited many churches between now and then, over the span of 6 years, but none have ever seemed quite right for my family. I recently came across a video interview that mirrors my heart on the subject of church. I’m going to attach that video here:

Part 1 https://youtu.be/aY_H_v-aCC8 Part 2 https://youtu.be/S2jIv8ydd0A 

 I hope you will take the time to listen to it, but I will briefly summarize to continue with my testimony. In a nutshell, we are made to live in fellowship with one another but your journey might look different than someone else’s journey and that doesn’t mean that one is right and the other is wrong. So long as our lives are lining up with God’s Word and we are not following deception (and there is much deception right now!! Jesus said “I am sending you out as sheep among wolves!”) then we are walking in God’s Will! Even though my fellowship circle right now is quite small, it is a fellowship nonetheless. And though I still hope to find more brothers and sisters to fellowship with in person, I am thankful for the technology that connects us to teachers and pastors that do. Here are a couple out of a handful that I enjoy listening to and learning from: Pastor J.D. Farag, Joanie Stahl, (she personally helped me in becoming confident to speak about my past) and Jamie Walden. They are humble teachers but are boldly proclaiming the truth about the time and hour that we, the Church, are in and that we are to be joyfully looking to the Lord’s return! And as long as the Lord chooses to tarry, then we are to continually be the salt and light in a very bland and dark world and to live our lives with JOY and live knowing we are LOVED!

Thankfully my Mom and I have a close relationship and we always have. Same thing with my sister, Megan, who I spoke of earlier when I shared my abusive past. These two relationships have helped me tremendously in growing in my faith over the past 6 years. The time that I’ve spent in my small fellowship with my mom and my sister, and learning from these teachers online is what I would consider wandering in the wilderness. Much how God taught Israel by faithfully leading them through the wilderness for 40 years, and how John the baptist was a voice shouting in the wilderness “Prepare the way for the Lord,” is how I see where I am in my journey. The Lord has faithfully led me and taught me. I am not saying this in a way to boast of myself or say that I have it all figured out…quite the opposite. I humbly admit that I have made many mistakes between then and now, but I’ve never given up and I am thankful for God keeping me in His Perfect Peace. To conclude my testimony, and by sharing it with you, I am inviting you into my journey and showing you what works for me. Maybe it’s similar to yours, maybe it’s not. If you want to talk to me about anything I have shared today, I would be happy to talk on a more personal level. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me or any of the Project 6:8 team, to whom I am so grateful to have given me this platform to share my testimony! It is my testimony, but it is His story, and I have put all of this out today to give God the Glory! More than anything I hope you feel encouraged and inspired to seek the Lord!

Matthew 6:33 NIV  “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Here are links to the teachers I mentioned:

https://www.jdfarag.org/

Joanie Stahl’s Field Notes: This video is a link to her interview with Jamie Walden. Check out her other videos too! https://youtu.be/szQyMiKaEyg