Ok God…I’m Listening

Psalms 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” I have talked about this verse in the past and have
been holding this verse close to me for the past couple of years. I have been so focused on the “Be Still.”
part. I kept feeling that God was telling me to “be still.” With our fertility journey, I have really
focused on that, being still and just trusting God with it all. I also was just so focused on being still with
life in general. Not getting overwhelmed with different scenarios and just giving it all to the Lord and
truly seeking what his plan is for me. I felt like I have been doing a very good job, and I noticed that my
faith and my walk with Christ were growing tremendously. During the process of “being still,” he taught
me patience, how to humble myself, and most importantly, fully trust him. At the beginning of 2021, I felt
God was telling me that there is so much more to that verse and that I was ready for the second half.
Know that I AM God. I started to really reflect on who God is to me! Is he just someone I go to in time of
need? No! He is my Savior! My provider! My Heavenly Father! My Friend and so much more! It’s crazy
that when you truly surrender everything to the Lord, how he takes care of us! I felt peace with where I
was at with life, and there were so many blessings coming my way that every morning I truly would wake
up knowing that God was with me!

I had planned to release this blog for several months now, but God kept blessing me and showing me his
goodness that it seemed like it was to be a continuation into this blog! My husband and I have wanted
to start another round of fertility treatments. Jimmy just started his own business as an owner-operator
(which we are super blessed and excited that God allowed this to happen) but of course, I was worried
about finances and didn’t want to put us in a financial bind because fertility treatments…well, they aren’t
cheap. While I was doing my devotionals, I came across Jeremiah 29:11- “For I know the plans I have for
you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future.”
That morning I was at a client’s house cleaning. Before the owner left, he pulled out a $10 bill and said, here is a tip for you. I never expect tips from cleaning houses because I set my own rate on how much I
charge. I kept telling him, no, no, you don’t have to do that, and he continued saying how much he and his
wife appreciates me and wants to give me a little something. You may be thinking, “it’s just $10,” but to
me, it was God telling me that HE WILL PROVIDE! I once again felt that peace that everything will be
alright! God’s got this! I was so excited! Literally that same night, Jimmy came home and said that we
already have to repair the truck and trailer (aka semi, but I guess the correct terms is truck and
trailer). Of course, I started to doubt if we would be able to do fertility treatments and how we
would afford them. I kept telling myself, ok, maybe this isn’t God’s plan or in His timing, so I would have to continue being patient and trusting in him. But guess what, God showed up! Long story short, we
were unexpectedly and tremendously blessed. We were given all the medication that I needed for my
treatment plus the financial part to cover it. We were so excited and truly felt like this was it! God
provided for everything! We didn’t have to spend a dime out of our own pocket, and he provided all the
medication all the way down to the last vial! I wanted to share this a while back ago, as I said, but I also
felt like it wasn’t ready to be released yet because God just kept blessing us, and I truly felt like the
greatest blessing was still yet to come! The treatment itself has a 30% chance of working, but God
provided so much already that we knew he could take a 30% chance and make it 100%! Let’s be real he
can take a 0% chance and make it 100%!

Easter Sunday was the day that I was to test to see if I would have a positive pregnancy! On Easter
Sunday! To me the most important holiday! The day we remember Jesus’s resurrection! I always say I
wish every Sunday were Easter Sunday. Everyone seems to have a little extra pep to their step while
wearing their Sunday best! So like I was saying, how cool would it be! I was so excited to finish this blog
and for it to be released, just knowing there would be so many positives and exciting things happening in
my life and that it was all from God! MY GOD!

Fast forward. The test was negative. While everyone was celebrating Jesus’s resurrection and enjoying the
beautiful weather with family, I was present but did not have that extra pep in my step. I was angry,
upset, and disappointed with God. Thoughts kept flying through my head. Why provide everything that I
needed to strip it away? This isn’t the first time that the treatment has failed. This time it just felt
different because when I thought that doing a treatment cycle wasn’t even possible, God provided. I
didn’t get the result that I wanted, and I was angry and disappointed. I cried out in anger, “How
many times do I have to be broken before you reveal your plan to me.” And you know what I heard
back… nothing…silence. I was so upset I stopped speaking to God at that moment and just needed a
break to process everything. Of course, I love God, and I know he will never leave or forsake me, but
by golly, I sure felt like he wasn’t near me. Like I said before, I was waiting to release this blog, and I
thought I was going to finally release it, ending with me feeling broken and angry with God but knowing
that I will find my joy and he will lift me up and in his timing things will happen… but… I felt like it wasn’t
time.

Our church recently hired a new pastor who will be starting in June. He was at church visiting and
presented the sermon. I felt like he was speaking directly to me!” The top of his sermon outline
said SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! I knew it was God speaking to me. Ok, God, you got my attention. One of
the verses that were presented to us was Isaiah 30:15 “This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of
Israel says: In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength” Pastor then
pointed out keywords, and I just kept repeating them in my head. Repentance, Rest, Quietness, and
Trust. These are the steps that God is giving me and that I know I have to take. At the end of his sermon,
one more slide popped up, and guess what it said? “Be still and know that I am God.” Ok, God, I’m
listening.

I’m talking to God again, by the way lol if you haven’t already guessed. I know he has a plan for me like
he promises in Jeremiah 29:11, and I’m just waiting on God to reveal it to me, and when he does, it’s
going to be greater than I have ever imagined!

1 Peter 5:7- Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
Deuteronomy 31:8- The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor
forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
Psalms 3:3-4: But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out
to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain.