To 19-year-old me on her birthday eve

Hey there! It’s me, 29-year-old you. There is a few things I would like to tell you before you cross over to a new decade tomorrow.

1. Tomorrow, the cute guy you have had a crush on since you were 16, proposes, which pretty much sets the tone for your entire 20s. They are filled with changes, challenges, and triumphs.
2. At 21, you get married and graduate college in the same month. You also start your first year in ministry.
3. You start to shake and your faith is rocked. You go in the wrong direction, not too far, but just far enough. You push God away because your first big wrench in the plan has happened. Infertility has rocked your world and honestly you really won’t ever get over the hurt it has brought into your life, but you do see its purpose, and dare I say it is beautiful.
4. You leave ministry after a year because you continue to lose your faith while working on a church staff, because of poor leadership and toxicity. You feel alone and don’t know where to turn because really no one understands.
5. You are now using your degree working as an Agronomist. You are enjoying it and really finding your role as a wife, but deep down you are just plain sad. You are really good at covering it up though. Man, have we mastered the happy put together face, but on the inside you are screaming in pain. Seth though is your rock and remains steady, even though he fully doesn’t even realize what is going on…we are that good.
6. You love being an aunt! Sweet Avery is growing like a weed and you dance nonstop to Galway Girl by Ed Sheeran. Now you get to teach Willow, Sloane, and Reid as well.
7. You and Seth move in with Mom and Dad and attempt to build a house, but 3 builders fall through. It all works out in the end. Now, I can’t imagine being anywhere else but the farm.
8. It is still hard though, because as you are moving in, Kim gets diagnosed with cancer and you are doing treatments to try and have a baby, and you are still running from God.
9. The above topics are all you can think about, but things start to get even harder. You start to open back up to God and you get baptized to recommit your life to Christ. You find Him drawing you closer and things are still hard, but they feel lighter.
10. You start to write…a lot.
11. You and Seth agree to stop treatments because the hospital trips are getting to you, especially as Kim worsens, it is just too much.
12. The day comes when Kim passes and you still get triggered by a cell phone ringing, especially in the middle of the night.
13. You continue to write everything down and decide to start an online bible study, 125 people sign up!
14. You switch jobs and go into marketing and graphic design and get a job at a performing arts center. All of this happens after months of praying for God to expand your platform… coincidence? I think not, you had no skills or other reasons to get that job.
15. But after a year, you lose your job due to Covid, but don’t worry you have unexplainable joy and the Lord whispers to your heart that all is on track.
16. Okay, this is probably one of the crazier parts of our 20s, you go back and ask for your same job back at the church and they say YES. I am proud of us for swallowing our pride, it wasn’t easy, but the new leadership was gracious and the church was starting to mend.
17. Oh yeah, somewhere in here you published a book that hit #1 for its category on Amazon, then you published another, and then another, and another, and another…are we at 5 yet? Don’t get too cocky, even though 2 hit #1 the other 3 are keeping us humble. 🙂
18. Somehow you find yourself as the Upward Ministry Director and running mission trips, just a few little desires of your heart the Lord has answered…
19. Then you became foster parents, and then 4 little boys showed up on your doorstep and you became a mom. I think we black out the first three months, but you fall so deeply in love you would do it over and over a million times.
20. You start Project 6:8 and continue blogging, but also start podcasting. Juggling it all and being a mom is overwhelming, but the Lord is teaching you so much you miss half of it in the moment. Just have grace with yourself.
21. You and Tiff are still super loud and annoying when together, but you can’t change at this point, it is inevitable. She has become an amazing wife and mom and we are so proud of her, even though we suck at saying it.
22. You make new friends after walking through a hard season of losing old ones and that is okay, we still cheer them on, but your crew now is a force to be reckoned with. Iron truly sharpens iron and they bring you closer to Jesus every day. You call them for everything. Your kids are friends and have a little kid gang and let’s face it, you are a part of a small gang yourself.
23. Mom and Dad are still our pillars and biggest supports and you talk daily. Erika and Derik don’t live as close as we wish, but we relish the moments we are together.
24. You have your beef farm and homestead. Even though you are the 5th generation and live on a century farm, you and Seth use what little money you have to create something of your own it is beautiful and we pray it is always God-honoring.
25. You’re a speaker and a preacher!! I know it’s wild, but we are very comfortable behind a mic…yes, we still talk too fast.
26. I have honestly been avoiding this one because we still have big feelings about it (as you can see, we still avoid our issues, but we are working on it). After 17 months and being told we were going to be adopting them, the boys are reunified with their biological family. I honestly can’t describe the pain to you, but when the Bible talks about utterings and groaning, a lot of times that is all we can muster.
27. Don’t worry though, not all is lost and there is great JOY ahead, after two weeks, you are reunited and it is all because of God’s redemption, plan, love, and grace…and Seth’s willingness to make a phone call.
28. It has been two years now of co-parenting with their bio family and even though there are times when it is so hard, you are so thankful just to be in their lives in any capacity.
29. You create a children’s curriculum called Raising Unashamed Kids and you are looking to inspire kids and families to be bold in and for the name of Jesus!
30. You have a 5th son…after swearing off foster care. Seth convinces you to say yes to the most perfect newborn. You get him straight from the hospital and he was the tiniest little thing and you had never felt a more instantaneous love. You cannot imagine your life before him. The boys love him and Seth is just as smitten. He is full of joy and everyone in the room is immediately drawn to him. After a year of having him, you still are in awe that you are chosen as his momma.
31. I may have mentioned this, but we repeat ourself a lot. You lead mission trips and after 3 years you have been on 10, soon to be 11 and you are actually hosting a team from Texas at your house…TONIGHT!

Man, a lot has happened, these are just small bullet points to help us always remember not necessarily what happened (because there is a lot missing) but how God loves us so much and He shows that through refinement. He cares so much about us that He allows us to walk through the difficult times, so we can learn more about Him. Here is the crazy thing though, He also uses the different seasons to create a story with us for us to use to lead others to Him! He asks us to be His hands and feet and to do that we of course would need to know Him as intimately as possible. Sure, there are times we push God away and try to run, but the important part is to realize that it is not Him running from us, it is us running from Him. He is always right there and we just have to turn around and allow ourselves to be embraced by Him.

So, cheers to 29 years! Tomorrow starts a new decade of growing closer to Jesus!