Confession: I do not have it all together.
PHEW! Ok, seriously. Glad that’s off my chest.
What, not enough? Because I could seriously stop there, and that confession would seem profound to myself. But I’ll continue.
You see, as a Christian, homeschooling mother of three, wife of a full time working man + cattle business owner on the side, I thought I had no choice but to have it “all together.” Add on that we used to lead a small group and even a home church during the pandemic lock down and my mind was literally on “go at full force mode or it will all fall apart mode” constantly. Let me tell you friend, I needed saving from MYSELF. Thank goodness that I worship a Savior that indeed saves me from everything!
I reached a burn out. I’m not talking just a “oh I need a nap” burn out. This was a full blown doubting everything in my life and “how did I end up here” crying on the couch moment. It wasn’t pretty. My sweet husband had probably had it up to his eyesballs with my complaining and general ugliness for the past several days, but he was so patient and so loving and just listened. And most importantly, he prayed for me, as did my Mom and sister as I realized I needed some serious help. Those prayers are being answered. Jesus saved me, again, on my living room couch. In the midst of my ugly crying (just because my husband walked upstairs, mind you, and no, we hadn’t just fought!) I decided to turn on the TV. The channel happened to be on TCT, a local Christian station. On the program, a man named Todd Lollar was featured. You guys need to look him up, like right now. Todd has cerebral palsy, to the point that to actually understand what he is saying, you have no choice but to listen very carefully. He is in a wheelchair, and has a past history of being abused. Yet, he was on the TV proclaiming the goodness of Jesus, and how in his weakened body, Jesus is at his strongest. My tears just came on more and more. I asked myself, “This man, who physically, has every reason to be bitter and angry, is on the tv proclaiming the goodness of God! Have I forgotten the goodness of God?” and the ugly truth was, yes. I was holding on to this need to control all aspects of my life, that I didn’t even realize that I was sucking the joy and God’s goodness out of all things! I was holding on so tightly, that I forgot that Jesus literally holds my life and all these things in His hands. I needed to give them back to Him. The world will continue if I don’t have it “all together.” So right then and there, I cried my heart out to Jesus and asked Him to help me. I couldn’t go on the way I was anymore. Oh, and He showed up. Isn’t it amazing, that in all the chaos of the world, Jesus cares to show up for a stay-at-home Mom on her living room couch?? Seriously. I am in awe. HOW HE LOVES US!
I recognize depression and anxiety because I have been there before, and I was fast going down that hole again. And if you are there, please know that my heart is with you in that struggle as I still deal with it! There’s a real stigma attached to this, particularly in the church. Sometimes, y’all, there is a very real battle going on in someone’s mind, and they can’t simply pray themselves out. It takes ongoing prayer and taking authority in Jesus name for your healing, and yes, sometimes medication. I praise the Lord that I haven’t had to be on any for the past few years, but there was a time in my life where I was. And God healed me through the medicine. If you can relate to this, please please please reach out to trusted loved ones and seek help. Don’t be too proud to admit you’re struggling and ask for help! Jesus’s healing is on the other side, because He is close to the broken hearted!
Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 138:6 “But He gives more grace. Therefore is says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
This was a little over a week ago now, and l’d like to report that it was an instant healing, but God is too good of a Father to just give us what we want immediately. He is teaching me, again, to be gentle with myself, and that He loves me right where I’m at. Learning to be gentle with yourself takes time, and this is a healing I don’t want to rush, because I’d like to really learn how to be at peace. He is a loving Father guiding me through that process. I don’t have to be perfect and have it “all together” for Jesus to be proud of me. He just wants ME. Just as I am, seeking Him, the true lover of my soul. It seems too good to be true, but it’s not. It’s like a fairy tale. I was in a prison made by the enemy of my soul. Satan whispered lies to me subtly, and I fell for them. It was a slow process, but it worked. Satan is a master manipulator, and I fell for the traps he set for me. I forgot that Christ had already set me free and walked back into that prison. But JESUS. He came and broke the chains, and I am free to walk joyfully with Him. He rescued His princess once more.
Isaiah 40:11 “He tends His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.”
I love the imagery of Jesus here, gently leading us, particularly the mothers. If he is gentle with me, shouldn’t I be gentle with myself? So here’s a few things that He’s reminding me of.
He loves me.
He made me uniquely. With gifts that He delights in seeing me use.
He is strongest when I am weakest.
He is my literal provision and very present help.
See the beauty in the ordinary moments.
Don’t rush life.
Take time to do what you enjoy.
One morning after all this, I woke up, and the hymn “Every Hour I Need Thee” was in my head. I know it was from the Lord. His gentle reminder to me that I need Him. His salvation, His love, and His joy every day. Every hour. In all moments. I need Him. The protector and lover of my soul. I will end this with the timeless lyrics of this hymn.
I need thee every hour
Most gracious Lord
No tender voice like thine
Can peace afford
I need thee oh I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my savior
I come to thee
I need thee every hour
Stay thou near by
Temptations lose their power
When thou art nigh
I need thee oh I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my savior
I come to thee
I need thee every hour
Most holy one
Oh make me thine indeed
Thou blessed son
I need thee oh I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my savior
I come to thee
Oh I need thee
