Okay all, I am going to open up about something very personal and be very vulnerable with you all. Seth and I are going on three years of trying to have a baby, that is right three years. It has been a long hard emotional road, that I would never wish upon anyone. I mean ANYONE. It has been a struggle emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I will break it down for you.
The first year.
We have been married a few months, just found out my sister was expecting and realized not to long after that we were ready too. We always thought about having kids right away, because that was just something we both knew that we dreamed of together. We loved the idea of a big family. We imagined ourselves with a house in the country with dogs and kids running around in the backyard. We were excited thought this would be “easy” and “fun” starting a family, but man were we wrong.
So the first few months we didn’t really think too much about nothing happening. Then Christmas happened you know that time of year where EVERYONE announces that their pregnant or so it seems to the one who is trying, but not succeeding. I remember it all to well, sitting at home watching Christmas movies, drinking hot chocolate, and holding back tears because it wasn’t me. At this time, I really wasn’t to open about it to Seth, because well I thought I was being a little ridiculous because it has only been 3 months of trying, I am sure it takes at least that long for everyone else. Right?
As soon as we got through the holiday season, I felt better. I was able to ignore it and just focused on being a new wife and tried to take care of my husband. (Side note: I was a fresh 21 year old when I got married, I had know idea how to do anything, especially cooking. I. am. terrible.) Anyways, next thing I know we are celebrating our 1st anniversary, and with that brings, year 2.
The second year.
This year I would have to say was the toughest year being married so far, because I spent a majority of it majorly depressed. In the beginning, I was doing pretty good. I had a sweet new niece to love on and I just couldn’t get enough of her. She was the perfect addition to our family and she will forever have her little fingers wrapped around my heart.
Then, like every year, the holidays come rolling in, in full force. I am a lover of all holidays, especially Christmas. I love all the lights, cheesy movies, the sugary cookies and drinks, the traditions, seeing family and friends, it is just a happy time of year. And this year was going to be extremely happy because I have now missed my period for the second month in a row without even realizing it. This sounds bad, but when I am busy I honestly forget a lot of things that I shouldn’t. Especially, when it comes down to my own personal care. (I will tell you that I am a whole lot better about this now.)
Anyways, I was so excited when I realized this and suddenly every “symptom” that I had over the past month, must have been a side affect of pregnancy right? WRONG. Every year, I plan a fancy Christmas dinner for just Seth and I. It’s a big deal because I don’t cook. Like ever. (I will say I make a mean bowl of cereal and the occasional pot of spaghetti. lol) This year though, I was going to get to tell him that he was going to be a dad. How exciting! I made him a special book that told him everything I loved about him and in the back it announced how much I am going to love watching him be a dad! I was so excited to see the look on his face. I was giddy with excitement for the future. It would be us and the little bean growing inside me against the world!
But, there is usually a but when it comes to this topic with us, I realized I hadn’t taken a pregnancy test…. I panicked. I had a box of them upstairs so I ran upstairs and got the box. I remember just staring at it praying that it was true. That we were finally going to have a child. So, after waiting the two longest minutes of my life, I force myself going back into the bathroom to look at the test.
I remember the corners of my eyes going black, I thought I was going to pass out so I sat down with the test in my hand reading: negative. How? How was it negative? I was so sure. On the bathroom floor I sat sobbing uncontrollably asking why God “took” this from me. I was there on the floor for a good 20 minutes, until Seth came home and picked me up off the floor. I couldn’t even speak, even after I stopped crying. I was numb. By then Seth saw the test and he knew what it was about, so he didn’t need words. He gets me down stairs and I hand him the book I made. He read through it and at the end he saw the once exciting page. I remember his face, him walking towards me and just embracing me letting me cry into him.
I can’t honestly remember anything after that. I remember going through the rest of Christmas numb and avoiding people, because we had a year of marriage in and with that it seemed like everyone thought it was the appropriate time to ask, “When are you going to have kids?” “You popping any kids out yet?” “Are you thinking about starting a family soon?” I hated seeing people, because it seemed as if nobody knew what else to talk to us about. So, at that point, I started avoiding people. I didn’t want to leave the house.
Every Christmas, after everything is over we usually go to the movies with someone in the family. Really whoever is up for going, but I stayed home and cried. I told Seth to go because I just wanted to be alone to cry. For the next six months, I was a walking zombie. I wouldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep without crying before hand, I went outside only when I had to go to work. I even shut out my husband. My best friend. The person that knew me better than anyone in this world. I was a ship lost at sea and I was not even close to looking for that lighthouse to lead me back to shore.
As the days grew warmer, so did I. My amazing husband slowly chipped away at the ice that was surrounding me. I am so thankful that he never gave up on me. He knew I would be okay again one day, but I just had to get over this mountain and he was going to climb it with me. Ladies, I am serious, find you a man like Seth. You will face some sort of mountain to climb that will impact everything and you need the support of someone you can forever count on, who knows the best you. Who will go to the ends of the earth to bring you back to reality again. I am not kidding when I say this was the hardest thing we have ever been through together.
So, about two months after I started a few different treatments with the doctor and still no luck, but doing something made me feel a little better and with every little step we took, I could feel myself coming out of the dark hole I was in.
The third year.
Now, this is where it gets happy, but not the way you might think. I was slowly becoming myself again. I am not a person that really sits at home (unless its a planned movie night by my husband because I love those nights) I have a serious case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) I am an outgoing, talkative, ambitious, adventurous human being. I love people. I loved getting to the point where I could smile and go outside and be happy. I was still struggling though on the inside, I wasn’t fully healed yet. That leads me to this story:
I was driving one day, looking at fields, checking out how tall the weeds were, etc. Just another day at work. I was listening to the radio and the song, “Giants Fall” by Francesca Basttielli came on. I then realized I shut God out of my life for almost an entire year. No wonder why I was so depressed. I was so ashamed. Yes, I still prayed. Yes, I still went to church. But I was going through the motions. I wasn’t allowing him in. I was mad at him without even really realizing it. He could of comforted me if I would have let him, but I turned my back like a child throwing a temper tantrum because I didn’t get what I wanted.
At that moment, right then, I vented to God. I mean I had it out with him. I remember screaming in the truck, “Why are you doing this to me?” “What have I done?” “Why have you forgotten me?” “Why don’t I feel your love?” “Why are you putting me through this?” Then after I calmed down, I sat and listened. I listened for his voice. I valued his presence for the first time in months. And then I heard him speak, “Sometimes you have to climb a little higher on the mountains you have prayed to be moved.” The words entered my mind and my body instantly slumped. I was taken back. It was then he took all my pain and guilt out of me and left me with a promise. He was for me. He has something planned for me and in his time, he will crush each mountain.
God knows my wants and needs. Some he will give right away, some he will make us work and I mean work for, some he will say, “I have something better for you, just wait.” It is what we do with that waiting. We need to praise him always. Here’s the thing, just because I am a Christian doesn’t mean my life is going to be breezy. Just like, if you are a Christian, it doesn’t mean your life is going to be easy. Here’s a few examples: Sarah had to wait 99 years before God answered her prayers and gave her a son. Then, her faith was tested and God told her husband Abraham to sacrifice their son, Isaac, and they both passed the test. (By the way Isaac wasn’t killed, for those who don’t know the story see the book of Genesis.) Moses led all of the Israelites out of Egypt and saved them from slavery and didn’t even make it to the promise land he was suppose to lead them to.
The point of this is, we aren’t promised that life will be easy. We aren’t suppose to take matters into our own hands and try to fix everything, because lets face it, we will probably mess it up even more. But if we turn to God with our problems, if we lay them down at his feet and trust him. He will show us a life even better than we can ever even imagine.
No, we still do not have a child nor are we expecting, but there are a lot of mountains in Seth’s life and my life that are starting to shivering. We are getting there. We can feel it, we can feel the promise of God. Meanwhile, we are enjoying the journey. We are extremely happy. I’m not even joking. It is an amazing feeling when you let God control your marriage. He has quickly shown us that the journey is one of the best parts. So sit back, buckle up, and let God steer you through life.
After all, Father knows best. 🙂
Much Love,
Kylie
